Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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