sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize