i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
