I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
is it fun? or sober?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
