A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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