Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
