I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
