Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
