i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If I die, sorry about rent.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
