Got a toothbrush?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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