This is not my ceiling
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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