The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
