Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just gift wrapped bread.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
