Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
