Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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