I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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