Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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