alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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