Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize