I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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