Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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