mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
