im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
