have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
