True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
