i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
