Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
