The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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