My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
