am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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