Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
