so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
