I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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