Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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