So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My ass is underappreciated
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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