Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
