i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
