i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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