Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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