Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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