Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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