i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
