I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Randomize
