i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
