He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
