I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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