I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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