You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
