when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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