it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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