genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i think i have two assholes
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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