a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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