if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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