Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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