My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We had sex on a dog bed..
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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