for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
