this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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