my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
