WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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