and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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