The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
