He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Randomize
