I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
